INSIDE MY HEAD

Why do people never understand me? I don’t really like crowds and it is not a big thing that I don’t talk a lot. I know what I want and my Mother knows too. My Dad sometimes seems to have a problem with me not wanting to play a lot of games, but he is really hung-up on baseball and me somehow becoming a super player. I thought my interest with the ball was what he wanted but when I was concentrating on handling the ball and not batting he just blew his stack.

What makes him think I will ever be able to play ball?

I liked the part about chattering that ‘hum batter, batter’, but I just could never get the batter part of the thingie. But I was really good at the ‘hum, hum’ part.

What’s the big deal with talking all the time? If I wanted to talk I would do it.

I like to say, ‘Hum, Hum’.

I don’t understand why people are always getting mad and crying. There must have been a reason for everyone getting upset we went to the mall and I started screaming. But I did not like that part of the mall. In fact, I had never been there. Why couldn’t we go in my favorite door, the door we always go through?

Everybody knows I don’t want to be touched. IT HURTS!!  Why did they grab my arm when they pulled me over to the bench??

And the kids were pointing and laughing. Why did those kids start laughing at me when I was sitting on the bench? Daddy tried to stop me from rocking, but everybody knows I like to rock. Why can’t they just accept me for being myself and let me be comfortable?

Why didn’t Daddy stop the kids from laughing at me? What’s so funny?

The other day, when I colored that picture in the kitchen Momma said I did ‘Good’. She’s always saying that but I just don’t get it. She is always giving me coloring books and saying, ‘Good job’. 

And who is that lady, ‘Grandmother’? She is always excited when she visits but I don’t think it is that good. I don’t understand…and then she cries.

I can talk if I want too. Just let me be me, leave me alone, especially at night. I never want to sleep and don’t want to sleep now. I may only be a little kid, but leave me alone, by myself.

I want to color something now.

I have autism.

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This blog entry was written after a discussion I had with one follower on Twitter. Her family has not faced the challenge of having a child with autism, she has the challenge of 2 autistic children in the family. My effort with this writing was not to be overly dramatic with the character, but rather to use the thoughts, or at least the thoughts that an autistic child might be thinking, even though he is not able to communicate in a manner to make his thoughts be known. My creative liberties allowed me to inject the idea that an autistic child is thinking on the level that most of us are thinking, but evidence does not indicate this is happening. For anyone with an autistic family member, or friend – I am sorry that more of my story is fiction than fact.

 Autism is a disorder of neural development that basically impairs communication and social development. There are many facets of this disease and attempting to describe the ‘template person’ that would be the example that includes all possibilities of the disorder is an impossible task. But something that seems to be a commonality among many sufferers is a lack of communication skills (can not speak appropriately; do not understand what is being said, and/or can not comprehend the appropriate emotions for particular circumstances).

A constant rocking motion while sitting or standing is also a possibility, while hypersensitivity to touch and being irritable or uncomfortable in a new place can also take place. Concentrating on a small portion of a whole object, or item when much more is available is another behavior displayed by a person with autism.

An overbearing characteristic of non-autistic individuals is ignoring the person, expecting them to fit-into unsafe or new situations, or making fun of the autistic person. This takes place often with children, including bullying and making fun of different behaviors.

There is a strong genetic basis for this disorder, but it is not understood whether it is caused by mutated cells, or genetic variables that will one day be discovered and consider common variables.

Recently I read an article, supported by research, which indicates childhood immunization shots might either cause, or lend some children to being more susceptible to contract this disorder. Indications of autism are most often recognized by parents in the first 2- or 3-years of a child’s life, but can be deceptive and misleading to even the most alert parent due to the fact that many children develop normally, as their cohorts and then regrees into known autistic behaviors after the ages of 2, or 3. For the most part different types of behavioral and cognitive interventions improve deficits, but there is no known cure.

If you are new to autism and my story causes you concern or the desire to become involved contact a local autistic support group in your area, or tweet me at @_andybryant and I will get you in touch with some people that I know who will be glad to supply information or contacts.